I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
