my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
