What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
