i already hear my dad disowning me
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize