I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
