Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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