I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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