I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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