i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Drake has all the answers
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
