She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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