im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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