the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
