my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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