The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
