Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
