dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
