You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
