can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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