I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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