I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I deserve this hangover.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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