if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
