if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
