Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
