Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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