2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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