the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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