I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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