I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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