apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
