I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
