Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize