I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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