i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
In America we eat man semen.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
