i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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