My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
