my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
