i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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