So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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