That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
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