I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
