Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
my shit smells like andre
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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