Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ladies don't puke and tell
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
