Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
