Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
