I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
