Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
