my sisters under your porch take her home
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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