genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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