I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
