Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
