Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
