Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
