On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
