beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
