1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize