So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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