This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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