i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
