im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
