I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
