The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize