All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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