my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
