just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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