i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
